Teaching Teens They’re Not Stuck With Their Feelings
Do Teens Believe They Can Control Their Emotions? Why That Question Matters More Than You Think
In Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don’t Manage You, Ethan Kross highlights a powerful—and somewhat unsettling—finding from a study conducted back in 2000. When teens and young adults were asked whether they believed humans could control their emotional states, a surprising 40% said no.
Think about what that means: nearly half of the young people surveyed believed that emotions are something that just happen to them, with no real way to change, manage, or influence them. If you work with teens, whether as a parent, educator, therapist, or mentor, this matters. It’s one thing to hand a teen a set of emotional regulation tools—deep breathing, journaling, grounding techniques—and quite another to do that when they don’t even believe those tools can work.
If a teen doesn’t believe they have agency over their emotional life, they’re unlikely to use tools, no matter how helpful or evidence-based they might be. And worse, they might internalize their emotional struggles as fixed traits—"I'm just an angry person," or "I can’t help it, I’m always anxious." When that belief takes root, it limits growth and keeps them stuck.
Before Tools, Teach Agency
This is where our approach may need to shift. Before we jump into techniques or tips, we need to go deeper—to explore beliefs. The first question we might ask isn't “What are you doing to manage your emotions?” but rather, “Do you believe your emotions are something you can change?”
That starting point is powerful. It opens a door to curiosity rather than correction. And once teens begin to reflect on the idea that emotions are not fixed states, but experiences that can be shaped, their relationship to those emotions can change.
Emotions Are Fluid—Even When They Don’t Feel That Way
Helping teens build this belief in emotional agency isn’t about pretending emotions are always easy to control. Emotions can be overwhelming, especially in adolescence, when brains are still developing the capacity for impulse control and self-reflection. But even with that intensity, there are opportunities to notice that emotional states can shift.
You might ask a teen to think about a time they felt terrible—and then something, however small, changed their mood. Maybe a friend sent a funny meme. Maybe they listened to a favorite song. Maybe they took a walk, vented to someone, or even just got a snack and felt a little better. These are everyday moments that reveal a truth many teens don’t yet recognize: our emotional states aren’t permanent, and they’re not always outside our control.
They’re shaped by our thoughts, our environment, our actions, and the way we interpret what’s happening around us. That doesn’t mean we can snap our fingers and feel calm. But it does mean we have more influence than we often realize.
Awareness First, Tools Second
So, where do we begin if we want to support teens in this area?
Assess their beliefs. Ask what they think about emotions. Do they believe they can change how they feel? What experiences have led them to believe that?
Explore real-life examples. Talk through moments where they did (maybe unintentionally) shift an emotion. Celebrate those moments of agency.
Educate gently. Introduce the science behind emotions—how they’re influenced by thoughts, physical state, and behavior. Normalize the fact that emotions can feel overwhelming, but also teach that they are malleable.
Reframe emotional struggles. Instead of labeling emotions as bad or broken, help them see emotions as signals—important ones—that they can learn to navigate.
Introduce tools—but only after belief is built. Once teens understand that they can influence their emotions, the tools we offer are more likely to be used and valued.
Take a Step Back
When teens aren’t “buying what we’re selling” in terms of emotional wellness, it may not be because they don’t care—it may be because we’re starting too far ahead. We assume they already believe that emotional change is possible. But for many, that belief hasn’t taken root yet.
Let’s start there. Let’s help teens see that their emotional lives aren’t just something they have to ride out—they’re something they can engage with, shape, and even steer. Not with perfection, but with growing confidence. And that shift in belief? That’s where the real transformation begins.
